Lent day 25: Crossing

Yesterday I watched this really sad movie about North Korea called Crossing. I'm afraid all my little relatives were a little traumatized... But I do recommend it of course, considering that it is the first of its kind to talk about North Korea. The Voice of the Martyrs magazine says it is not very violent, though this is obviously comparative to reality, especially if you know or read anything about North Korea and communist concentration camps, which I have. If you have, than I think you would find this movie subtle, sweet, and sad. (I refrain from saying sentimental because I think sentimental implies a happier ending.) If you haven't read anything about North Korea or concentration camps than I think that you may find this film a little disturbing and depressing.
I think what makes movies so bittersweet and sentimental is because as a movie, it can only give a fraction of reality, and though reality can be much more ugly, reality somehow is able to be 3-D, giving you a dimension into the eternal in much better terms...That is, just as relieving as it is that no real actors got killed or tortured, you are not able to have the true ability to see eternally, because real faith and power only comes in great need--not on a camera set... (of course I am not suggesting torturing actors because it is like testing quantum mechanics)
Like quantum mechanics, faith is hard to experiment on... Doesn't it say "You shall not test the Lord your God"? So we are only able to give some of the ugliness, and part of the beauty--which is hard to satisfy because ugliness is easy to test and ask for, but beauty--true beauty is a little harder.

23rd midnight...

4th Sunday of Lent: psalm 14 "The fool says in his heart 'there is no God'"

Monday: psalm 150 "praise the lord. praise God in His sanctuary, praise Him in His mighty heavens" ...
praise Him with trumpet blast,
praise Him with lute and harp,
praise Him with tambourine and dance,
praise Him with strings and pipe,
praise Him with loud cymbals and crashing cymbals;
let everything that has breath praise the Lord"

good night.

Lent day 20

The weather was shockingly warm today. I recited all my psalms that I know outside the library as the sun set. I'm re-memorizing psalm 51 "Have mercy on me O God", which is one of the last psalms that I memorized before this Lent. I think I memorized this one when I was 12, and it was in the NIV of course. Anyway, all my reciting made me feel like a tibetan monk...at least I think that's what all the passersby assumed.
Ah, but it felt glorious to meditate, study, and fight in one sitting. I believe in the power of words, state-of-consciousness & physical prostration/genuflection, as well as in righteousness--zedek & zichut, and holiness--chabad. Righteousness is partly our own doing and deeds like zichut, but I realize also not our own choosing (sins of your fathers etc.)
I have little or no knowledge of how to obtain the chabad, but that it is generally not of our choosing--Did Ezekiel choose the coals, or Elijah the fire? Yet it requires willingness, as
the mother of our Lord said, “let it be to me according to your word.”
and it says that a sword shall pierce her heart so that "thoughts from many hearts may be revealed". Holiness is power, but it appears to come only through great pain and suffering...
Do I believe one may attain holiness by pain and suffering? I do not know if suffering and pain are alone sufficient to attain the power and the glory--the chabad--if I am not utterly confusing the treasures of the kingdom of G-d...
I only know that I seek and must seek these ever-present un-attainables, I must seek transcendence through obedience, knowledge, long-suffering and everlasting peace.
Hallelujah. Amen.

Lent day 18

I am busy studying today, but here is the count so far:
1st Sunday of Lent: psalms 2, 3, 4, 8, 121,
2nd Sunday of Lent: psalms 13, 11, 91
3rd Sunday of Lent: psalms 12, 19
The ones I already know previous to Lent not included are ps. 23, 1, 103.
(I re-memorized 121, 13, 91, 19.)

Last night I couldn't go to sleep very well because I drank some coffee and the neighbors bright green outdoor porch light was on. I tried reciting every single psalm I knew, and then tried tapping psalm 23 in morse code...(yes the coffee obviously affected me--my chest felt tight.)
Then I started preaching a sermon (in my head of course) reflecting on these words.

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
----Deutoronomy 6:4-9

and one of my favorite books that my Dad read to me when I was younger.

"remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. And secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs, Nothing else matters." ----The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair

Lent day 17

Sunday I memorized psalm 12 during the sermon. (I heard it was a good sermon--oops! oh well.)
"Save O Lord, for the godly one is gone, for the faithful have vanished from the children of man."
and today I re-memorized psalm 19 "the heavens declare the glory of God, the skies above proclaim the work of His hands."
Today is lovely weather. I have 2 exams this week... Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed the chronicles of Mr. Toad, which inevitably will be continued.
I also like some adorable lines in Peter Pan "two is the beginning of the end", Beatrix Potter's books, and children's books that I couldn't appreciate or understand as a child but now am infatuated with now that I am older. (hmm...I think I said that before. maybe I am getting older.)

Lent 16: Toad's obvious consequences

To my dear friends who are having difficulty during this Lent
regarding temptation...

'There cannot be any harm,' he
said to himself, 'in my only just LOOKING at it!'

The car stood in the middle of the yard, quite unattended, the
stable-helps and other hangers-on being all at their dinner. Toad walked
slowly round it, inspecting, criticising, musing deeply.

'I wonder,' he said to himself presently, 'I wonder if this sort of car
STARTS easily?'

Next moment, hardly knowing how it came about, he found he had hold of
the handle and was turning it. As the familiar sound broke forth, the
old passion seized on Toad and completely mastered him, body and soul.
As if in a dream he found himself, somehow, seated in the driver's seat;
as if in a dream, he pulled the lever and swung the car round the yard
and out through the archway; and, as if in a dream, all sense of
right and wrong, all fear of obvious consequences, seemed temporarily
suspended. He increased his pace, and as the car devoured the street
and leapt forth on the high road through the open country, he was only
conscious that he was Toad once more, Toad at his best and highest, Toad
the terror, the traffic-queller, the Lord of the lone trail, before whom
all must give way or be smitten into nothingness and everlasting night.
He chanted as he flew, and the car responded with sonorous drone; the
miles were eaten up under him as he sped he knew not whither, fulfilling
his instincts, living his hour, reckless of what might come to him.

* * * * * *

'To my mind,' observed the Chairman of the Bench of Magistrates
cheerfully, 'the ONLY difficulty that presents itself in this otherwise
very clear case is, how we can possibly make it sufficiently hot for the
incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian whom we see cowering in the
dock before us. Let me see: he has been found guilty, on the clearest
evidence, first, of stealing a valuable motor-car; secondly, of driving
to the public danger; and, thirdly, of gross impertinence to the rural
police. Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please, what is the very stiffest
penalty we can impose for each of these offences? Without, of course,
giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt, because there isn't any.'

--The Wind in the Willows, 1908, Kenneth Grahame

Lent 15: The difficulty in keeping secrets

Perhaps you should know that there has been a great fad at my boarding house, of the literary kind, of the aforementioned Mr. Toad. There are always books with delightful witticisms, and currently Kenneth Grahame's book The Wind in the Willows takes the place of the "most quoted book of the month" award.
This has been the quote about secrets...

'There, there!' went on the Badger, more kindly. 'Never mind. Stop
crying. We're going to let bygones be bygones, and try and turn over a
new leaf. But what the Mole says is quite true. The stoats are on guard,
at every point, and they make the best sentinels in the world. It's
quite useless to think of attacking the place. They're too strong for
us.'

'Then it's all over,' sobbed the Toad, crying into the sofa cushions. 'I
shall go and enlist for a soldier, and never see my dear Toad Hall any
more!'

'Come, cheer up, Toady!' said the Badger. 'There are more ways of
getting back a place than taking it by storm. I haven't said my last
word yet. Now I'm going to tell you a great secret.'

Toad sat up slowly and dried his eyes. Secrets had an immense attraction
for him, because he never could keep one, and he enjoyed the sort of
unhallowed thrill he experienced when he went and told another animal,
after having faithfully promised not to.

'There--is--an--underground--passage,' said the Badger, impressively,
'that leads from the river-bank, quite near here, right up into the
middle of Toad Hall.'

'O, nonsense! Badger,' said Toad, rather airily. 'You've been listening
to some of the yarns they spin in the public-houses about here. I know
every inch of Toad Hall, inside and out. Nothing of the sort, I do
assure you!'

'My young friend,' said the Badger, with great severity, 'your father,
who was a worthy animal--a lot worthier than some others I know--was
a particular friend of mine, and told me a great deal he wouldn't have
dreamt of telling you. He discovered that passage--he didn't make it,
of course; that was done hundreds of years before he ever came to live
there--and he repaired it and cleaned it out, because he thought it
might come in useful some day, in case of trouble or danger; and he
showed it to me. "Don't let my son know about it," he said. "He's a good
boy, but very light and volatile in character, and simply cannot hold
his tongue. If he's ever in a real fix, and it would be of use to him,
you may tell him about the secret passage; but not before."'

The other animals looked hard at Toad to see how he would take it. Toad
was inclined to be sulky at first; but he brightened up immediately,
like the good fellow he was.

Lent day 14

Tuesday: memorized psalm 11 "In the Lord I take refuge; how can you say to my soul 'flee like a bird to your mountain'? For behold, the wicked bend the bow...if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do? The Lord dwells in his holy temple, the Lord's throne is in heaven..."

Wednesday: reviewing psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty..."

Thursday/Today: I have alot of exams and studying to do...

Lenten season: a truly altered toad

To all dear fellow sufferers who are practicing humility this Lent:

"Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.

Then he dipped his hairbrush in the water-jug, parted his hair in the
middle, and plastered it down very straight and sleek on each side of
his face; and, unlocking the door, went quietly down the stairs to greet
his guests, who he knew must be assembling in the drawing-room.

All the animals cheered when he entered, and crowded round to
congratulate him and say nice things about his courage, and his
cleverness, and his fighting qualities; but Toad only smiled faintly,
and murmured, 'Not at all!' Or, sometimes, for a change, 'On the
contrary!' Otter, who was standing on the hearthrug, describing to an
admiring circle of friends exactly how he would have managed things had
he been there, came forward with a shout, threw his arm round Toad's
neck, and tried to take him round the room in triumphal progress; but
Toad, in a mild way, was rather snubby to him, remarking gently, as he
disengaged himself, 'Badger's was the mastermind; the Mole and the Water
Rat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely served in the ranks and did
little or nothing.' The animals were evidently puzzled and taken aback
by this unexpected attitude of his; and Toad felt, as he moved from one
guest to the other, making his modest responses, that he was an object
of absorbing interest to every one.

The Badger had ordered everything of the best, and the banquet was a
great success. There was much talking and laughter and chaff among the
animals, but through it all Toad, who of course was in the chair, looked
down his nose and murmured pleasant nothings to the animals on either
side of him. At intervals he stole a glance at the Badger and the Rat,
and always when he looked they were staring at each other with their
mouths open; and this gave him the greatest satisfaction. Some of the
younger and livelier animals, as the evening wore on, got whispering
to each other that things were not so amusing as they used to be in the
good old days; and there were some knockings on the table and cries of
'Toad! Speech! Speech from Toad! Song! Mr. Toad's song!' But Toad only
shook his head gently, raised one paw in mild protest, and, by pressing
delicacies on his guests, by topical small-talk, and by earnest
inquiries after members of their families not yet old enough to appear
at social functions, managed to convey to them that this dinner was
being run on strictly conventional lines.

He was indeed an altered Toad!"

--From The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

2nd week of Lent: day 11

on Friday I was in the ballet dressing room for a concert trying to re-memorize psalm 13. All the round bulbs and mirrors made me disoriented and a stranger, as if I was in some sort of space-ship evading time and place. Anyway, on Sunday I finished re-memorizing it in the ESV, even though I did memorize this in the NIV when I was 7. (I remember my mom commenting on perhaps memorizing a more cheerful psalm? Of course I had already triumphantly picked this one out, as I had recognized its value as a psalm of more "deep" and "profound" thought. (My mother picked out psalm 121 for me to memorize.) Why do parents always think children as incapable of the vast, internal struggle of the soul?)
Compare NIV v2"wrestle with my thoughts" and 4v"foes rejoice when I fall" to the following:

Psalm 13.
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

8th day

I re-memorized psalm 121 today. I confess I memorized it in the NIV when I was about 7 years old, so it's hard to undo. The key differences of NIV vs ESV in this psalm are "watch over" vs. "keep" and "harm" vs. "evil." Here's the ESV anyway.

psalm 121

121:1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8 The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

day 7

So this is the 7th day of Lent. I don't know about my spiritual progress; I have been noticing this week that I have critical thoughts of fellow classmates...but maybe it's more of an indication of wasted time than anything else. It's also amazing how much little things like food and sleep affect disposition--but I will not make excuse. I have decided that I must ignore all shallow thoughts of pride. Last night I decided my wisdom was shallow and lacking, therefore I apologize to all who has suffered from my remedies... I know nothing, I speak words of vanity, full of arrogance and conceit. There are wells of wisdom in silences that are not contained in the babbling brook of words. Buddhists do not have everything wrong, but I prefer Wurmbrand.

Here is the psalm I memorized for today. ESV. Psalm 8.

8:1 O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
2 Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.

3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?

5 Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings [2]
and crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet,
7 all sheep and oxen,
and also the beasts of the field,
8 the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

9 O Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!