child's confession

Why is it so hard to keep resolutions? Especially childhood ones? Like deciding not to grow up, not to stop playing legos, to become a teenager, to "like boys", fall in love...or the traits of the adults that I resolved never to become? Especially the petty things, like the adults who wanted the extra piece of cake, who could be rude, sometimes grumpy, sometimes bossy, but always boring, never imaginative, or easily annoyed...
Today I discovered my adult self being "annoyed at the little ones" and decided to "let down my hair" in how I really felt about "the brats" who happened to be some little persons who were not related to me.
The horror struck me as a thunderbolt how they saw me: a towering figure of authority and height acting anything less than the magnificence that was bestowed upon me. Me, who was to be the essence of regency, of beneficence, of some sort of maidenhead that preceded motherhood...the essence of womankind, and quintessence of femininity...Was not Plato right in understanding children's innate desire for the ideal? And why had I dared stab it by my disregard for the sacred childhood desire for grace, love, and gentleness?
Of course, as soon as I snapped to the boy that "he didn't need it, if he didn't want it" after he said he didn't like the drink with so few sugar--I had immediate flashbacks to adults I so despised, then not so much because I despised their person, but because their person so much despised me, or something they saw in me--perhaps even themselves--I could not tell then.
The faded images of that disgruntled mother of my friend, who reprimanded me ever so slightly in what I considered a choppy manner after I so helpfully corrected someone's pronunciation or grammar, still breached my ideals of complete magnificence, and my aunt who briskly took the cheese grader in a brief act of annoyance to my sweet reply that "I didn't need any help"--to me displayed profound immaturity by exposing temper, even though I knew that I had perhaps acted impertinently--I still could not understand how an adult could behave so plebian by even responding to my immaturity because when one did, one would immediately lower one's own dignity to the child's.
And of course how much easier it is to behave like a child when one had excuse! Now our childhood bodies have grown, and we must pay the rent for being taller and swifter and bigger.
Yes, so we must suffer as I do now, paining my little pity of a soul to stretch itself and grow into some bare resemblance that my image of G-d requires.
When I confessed to my sister of my lost childhood resolutions, she suggested that I strive to change now--not exactly what I wanted--but I reluctantly shared the rest of my icecream with the stampede of devouring children. I must repent of small or slight sin to the little ones just as if they were the royal family, for in G-d's sight, all men are heirs to the royal image and breath that He bestowed upon them. And if to all men, especially for us royal children, heirs to the high priesthood in the order of Melchizedek,King of Righteousness, through the Grace and Mercy of our Lord.