Lent day 20

The weather was shockingly warm today. I recited all my psalms that I know outside the library as the sun set. I'm re-memorizing psalm 51 "Have mercy on me O God", which is one of the last psalms that I memorized before this Lent. I think I memorized this one when I was 12, and it was in the NIV of course. Anyway, all my reciting made me feel like a tibetan monk...at least I think that's what all the passersby assumed.
Ah, but it felt glorious to meditate, study, and fight in one sitting. I believe in the power of words, state-of-consciousness & physical prostration/genuflection, as well as in righteousness--zedek & zichut, and holiness--chabad. Righteousness is partly our own doing and deeds like zichut, but I realize also not our own choosing (sins of your fathers etc.)
I have little or no knowledge of how to obtain the chabad, but that it is generally not of our choosing--Did Ezekiel choose the coals, or Elijah the fire? Yet it requires willingness, as
the mother of our Lord said, “let it be to me according to your word.”
and it says that a sword shall pierce her heart so that "thoughts from many hearts may be revealed". Holiness is power, but it appears to come only through great pain and suffering...
Do I believe one may attain holiness by pain and suffering? I do not know if suffering and pain are alone sufficient to attain the power and the glory--the chabad--if I am not utterly confusing the treasures of the kingdom of G-d...
I only know that I seek and must seek these ever-present un-attainables, I must seek transcendence through obedience, knowledge, long-suffering and everlasting peace.
Hallelujah. Amen.