summer entry

Just got back from a family reunion, and caught a cold on the way back and spent all of yesterday in bed with fever...truck broke down during the weekend so had to spend a 2 more nights and a day and a half with very hospitable relatives...restless sunday night for fear the truck wouldn't be repaired by monday--there is a certain panic that besets any victim of prolonged compassion--anyway prayers were answered, and the truck got fixed that day.
Seeing so many relatives was like being too full of love and happiness and the bit of pain and suffering that life always gives. It's silly how easy it is to feel outcast by those who feel so lonely and dejected themselves, but remembering that I am sharing their pain and not receiving it, helps me. Finding out the stigma from living in a redneck state always surprises me, but how can I trade more suffering of living in the South than a little less suffering to live where I will not receive chaff? No, as Rodya says in Crime and Punishment, "if I must drink the cup, I shall drink all of it." How strange, I thought driving down the Appalachians, So this is how Blacks or Hispanics must feel: not too much blame, but just enough sympathy. Yrch! This East Coast snobbery almost tempts me to raise the Dixie, but Christianity humbles me to accept the truth in every blow. I am nothing and God is everything.
As St. Theresa of Avila said:
Let nothing disturb you.
Let nothing make you afraid.
All things are passing.
God alone never changes.
Patience gains all things.
If you have God you will want for nothing.
God alone suffices.

P.S. I am alive

I was not swiped away by the tornadoes, and neither were my friends, thanks be to G-d. Well anyway, am working on several scripts or rewrites of Star Wars 5:the empire strikes back, Prince Caspian, and Anastasia. Saw two horrible Russian film adaptations of Hamlet and Crime and Punishment both for lack of realism and basic lack of interest for reality in general. Depressed about financial aid for the different schools I applied to transfer...BU, BC, and Bryn Mawr.

tornado day

today is tornado warnings everywhere.
Just went out with my Dad and saw the sky...the clouds were almost pink even before noon and everything was that dark green-blue color...the clouds above us were moving toward each other, but the sirens turned off, and then the torrent of rain hit us, so we're back inside. Everyone at this weather/science station was peeking and taking movies with their iphones. It was pretty awesome, because I consider my father a Zedekah, or righteous one, I feel safe beside him in the storms.
Blow winds, blow! you cannot break my soul or bend me--I shall only upwards float or fly.

3rd week of Lent: entry

My spring break's over and I have a midterm today I don't think I'm ready for. It's been raining tons and the dogwoods are all in bloom. I haven't kept up with my psalms at all but I have been lighting quantities of candles. Hmm...I think I must be seeped in Catholic guilt.
After talking with my family from seeing Tangled, I decided I was a bit extreme in my emotional response (sobbing in the car for half an hour etc.) and that I underestimated the power of unconditional love (vs. possessive love) and perhaps overestimated the danger of the shriveled soul to eternal perdition...in any right, it's not that my assumptions proved false as much as I tend to be emotionally skewed. I think I'm learning that I should not so forcefully assume my emotional reactions to be impartial truth. (In middle of this discussion, I got a free evaluation on my current mental-health from my certified child-psych practitioner and was prescribed long outdoor walks. I pointed out my whole spring break was spent weeding and gardening, but somehow this did not convince my family of my strong constitution.) Of course this isn't fair because I had spent that entire evening with a sleeping child and a very unusual thunderstorm compelling me to turn off all the electrical devices in the house and light candles for the rest of my family who were apparently oblivious to the danger in the theater--which I forgo for Lent. So to content myself, I of course studied Hamlet and found new evidence and clues to suggest that not only was Ophelia not mad but neither was her father Polonius. The only person who currently seems to lack "smarts"--or correct evaluation--because all smarts led to the characters' ruin--in the whole play is Laertes, though apparently he is the most popular and easily justified. I hope to explain more later. So far I've produced a number of poems from inspiration after crayoning with the kids--(I was trying to copy Chagall and got numerous criticisms).

Ash Wednesday 2011

A colleague of my father's has just decided to publish a controversial scientific article after he found out he was diagnosed with cancer. Now he is getting the heat and the usual bashing from NASA etc. because it is about life on comets or extraterrestrial life, which apparently really freaks out traditional Evolutionists and Creationists.
This came out a couple days ago around the same time someone introduced us to the book "Heaven is for real" by Todd Burpo and is about his 4 year old son experiencing heaven in a near-death situation with a ruptured appendix and severe infection. I am so glad that G-d doesn't just favor the Muslims or Romanian prisoners like Pastor Richard Wurmbrand with visions of Jesus and heaven. All these things are so exciting and familiar and foreign to me now. I've decided to give up MOVIES & candies for Lent.
Let's see how this goes. Also, I'm gonna try to continue my Lenten Psalm memorization.
I've thought about fasting today since it's special, but boy does my tummy grumble.
According to this little boy, Jesus worked homework with him in heaven and was his teacher. Anyway, I guess I'd better do my Diff. Eq. homework too.

entry: 2nd snow day from 2nd snow

It's been the second snow day for schools, so I am at home dreading school. Breaks are fun only after you started school and my college hasn't started yet. I guess this should be a sign of some sort...Maybe that G-d can change all plans of men? Yesterday I went sledding with the neighbors who in the history of my 13 years in Alabama I've never met...Everyone of every age group and social profession was laughing and encouraging and cheering for each other--I guess this is why Alabama loves football. Anyway, today we took a walk with our neighbors in the forest and observed and did bird calls--"pishing" for birds to come near.

I've been memorizing my favorite hymns and psalms:
currently: Be Still My Soul--3 verses
reciting psalm 28 "To You, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me"
My only creative accomplishments so far have been doodling on the piano with my younger sister who taught me, and sketching the ears of my family members.(I'm getting good!) Besides that it's quite dreary with the weather at times and everyone is lazying about.

I discovered Sephardi pop music! Apparently alot of Sephardi artists sing more western-Ashkenazi music like Shay Gabso according to the Haaretz but unlike most Yehuda Saado continues the Sephardi microtones like a "Moroccan style cantor" and I quite like it. I am currently checking out other Israeli pop musicians, but so far they are not as good.

entry

I have been in a whirlwind of sorrow, song, prayer, laughter, many many tears and flowers. I saw my Grandfather die this weekend, his funeral, and his burial. I've been so far for so long, and I've only seen him and spoken with him last in May, but during the trip I started remembering little things and memories. What a rush of grief and love and life. How will I forget the too bright sun glinting through the rainbow colors of leaves, mountains, tornado weather--that too-strong and gentle wind, the bright sunlight through the living room windows and flowerpots...

Easter Monday

Happy Easter everyone!
I am glum for all my schoolwork that I have to do...there is no rest for the wicked!
I got to skip out of my Good Friday class and go to the Stations of the Cross and the Good Friday service as well as a glorious candlelit midnight mass at our local Catholic church.
It was so wonderful; I fear that I am starved for liturgy--or Christianity for that matter!
My only regret is that I didn't get to go to the Maundy Thursday service or the all-night vigil...we tried, but got booted out after 5 minutes... I ponder converting to Catholicism, except that
1. I think it would be cowardly if all I wanted was security and comfort vs. religious conviction and theology
2. I dislike unstable converts with sharp eyes who have "seen the light" and instinctively know everything (i.e. about the world, G-d, and people) e.g. former Southern Baptists-to-Anglocatholicism, former Southern Baptists-to-Presbyterianism, former nominal Catholics-to-Southern Baptistsism, former nominal Catholics-to-Presbyterianism, former hippies-to-"devout" Catholicism, former hippies-to-"evangelical" protestantism--I think I just offended almost everyone I know! Disclaimer: this is not true for everybody, it is only commonly found in the above people that I have noticed. And I do think G-d has a place and purpose for everyone...despite my grievances.
3. I suspect happiness will not be what I think I want, and following our own happiness only will lead us only into more trouble unless that is where G-d wants us...
sigh.
OK, well, I gotta go.

Holy Week: day 34

I'm afraid I didn't memorize any psalms lately; instead, past bedtime and into the morning of Palm Sunday I obsessively read a biography of Marie Antoinette from the beginning of the book for a couple hours, then skipping to the end (which I almost never do) and found it was 2:40 am in the morning. After crying a bit and wandering around, I finally went to bed at 3:30, then I couldn't go to sleep even after 4, then I must've slept for 2 and a half hours and got up at 7:30 to go to church...
I don't know how long it's going to take to recover, I do feel so strange and unbalanced between being disturbed and content, between depressed and hopeful...

Earlier I wrote of Brother Lawrence's consolation to his troubled soul to decide that his eternity could not interfere with his present decision to love and follow God. Yet now I am troubled about those whose souls have passed away and about whose eternity I do not know...

I somehow have slight unbalance between my reason and the feelings of my intuition...I feel that somehow the story of one soul is the story of many--and even perhaps of the whole world. There are a few past souls who seem clear--like past emptiness and past completion; yet there are so many, who press our hearts with the sympathetic uncertainty of "swinging between the heaven gate and the hell gate"--the struggle between self-love and the alluring love of the world; and of the self-abandoning, seemingly impossible love for God.

History is partly looking from eternity upon the final decisions of men; yet the past is also in a present and undetermined state--there is a hidden and final determination of each ending that shall make the unbalanced and incomplete things fair.

Reading a story of a struggling soul feels like trying to "hold water in your hand", or praying for an baby to be born...left not knowing the outcome, and wondering if it is might be your own.
And this not just a story of one soul, but of many, of nations, and even in a strange way--the world.

Lent day 29

Last week I memorized psalm 27 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?" and re-memorized psalm 119: Beth "How can a young man keep his way pure?"

Since it was my spring break, I was working (i.e. laundry, cleaning & organizing room, darning about 15 socks, gardening, and pruning branches...) every day except Saturday, and then had to usher to a concert that night and then get up early in the morning for church, and then rush to usher another concert, visit a friend in the hospital, etc.
At my boarding house the favorite comment on one's busy day is the scriptural reference "no rest for the wicked!"

March 21 was the 5th Sunday of Lent... and apparently the biggest healthcare bill in American history just passed...I found out about this on Monday and was plunged into temporary darkness and despair... but I do not think discernment is enough to allow oneself the temptation to fear, despair, or anger. Discernment, like good looks and smarts and a nice family are not what G-d demands of us, but what He gave us. So how can I respond? what do I say? That I am nothing. I have nothing. I have no right to despair or fear or hate, but have every cause to pursue righteousness... If this world is rotting, Christ says it is because the salt has lost its flavor.
My greatest temptation in the past 5 years has been to think that my mind is my own. It is not; yet this is a great struggle and temptation for me. If I cannot save the world through great power now, then I must save the world by my weakness...by overcoming the little temptations and hardships that threaten to undo me. I have been reading Brother Lawrence and now St. Therese of Liseux and have been listening to pastor Wurmbrand and Corrie ten Boom...they are all saints of greatness because of their smallness, not just Therese and Brother Lawrence, but also Corrie and Richard, not because they saved 800 Jews or smuggled Bibles or saved 1000 souls, or survived Nazi concentration camps or 14 years of communist prison and torture, but because through their weakness and offering to G-d through "the little way" they have overcome the world.
Greatness and smallness, power and weakness, riches and poverty, are nothing in this present world...they belong to the eternal world. Therefore we will not fear or be discouraged--take heart! Christ has overcome the world. Amen.

Lent day 20

The weather was shockingly warm today. I recited all my psalms that I know outside the library as the sun set. I'm re-memorizing psalm 51 "Have mercy on me O God", which is one of the last psalms that I memorized before this Lent. I think I memorized this one when I was 12, and it was in the NIV of course. Anyway, all my reciting made me feel like a tibetan monk...at least I think that's what all the passersby assumed.
Ah, but it felt glorious to meditate, study, and fight in one sitting. I believe in the power of words, state-of-consciousness & physical prostration/genuflection, as well as in righteousness--zedek & zichut, and holiness--chabad. Righteousness is partly our own doing and deeds like zichut, but I realize also not our own choosing (sins of your fathers etc.)
I have little or no knowledge of how to obtain the chabad, but that it is generally not of our choosing--Did Ezekiel choose the coals, or Elijah the fire? Yet it requires willingness, as
the mother of our Lord said, “let it be to me according to your word.”
and it says that a sword shall pierce her heart so that "thoughts from many hearts may be revealed". Holiness is power, but it appears to come only through great pain and suffering...
Do I believe one may attain holiness by pain and suffering? I do not know if suffering and pain are alone sufficient to attain the power and the glory--the chabad--if I am not utterly confusing the treasures of the kingdom of G-d...
I only know that I seek and must seek these ever-present un-attainables, I must seek transcendence through obedience, knowledge, long-suffering and everlasting peace.
Hallelujah. Amen.

Lent day 18

I am busy studying today, but here is the count so far:
1st Sunday of Lent: psalms 2, 3, 4, 8, 121,
2nd Sunday of Lent: psalms 13, 11, 91
3rd Sunday of Lent: psalms 12, 19
The ones I already know previous to Lent not included are ps. 23, 1, 103.
(I re-memorized 121, 13, 91, 19.)

Last night I couldn't go to sleep very well because I drank some coffee and the neighbors bright green outdoor porch light was on. I tried reciting every single psalm I knew, and then tried tapping psalm 23 in morse code...(yes the coffee obviously affected me--my chest felt tight.)
Then I started preaching a sermon (in my head of course) reflecting on these words.

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
----Deutoronomy 6:4-9

and one of my favorite books that my Dad read to me when I was younger.

"remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. And secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs, Nothing else matters." ----The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair

Lent day 17

Sunday I memorized psalm 12 during the sermon. (I heard it was a good sermon--oops! oh well.)
"Save O Lord, for the godly one is gone, for the faithful have vanished from the children of man."
and today I re-memorized psalm 19 "the heavens declare the glory of God, the skies above proclaim the work of His hands."
Today is lovely weather. I have 2 exams this week... Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed the chronicles of Mr. Toad, which inevitably will be continued.
I also like some adorable lines in Peter Pan "two is the beginning of the end", Beatrix Potter's books, and children's books that I couldn't appreciate or understand as a child but now am infatuated with now that I am older. (hmm...I think I said that before. maybe I am getting older.)

Lent day 14

Tuesday: memorized psalm 11 "In the Lord I take refuge; how can you say to my soul 'flee like a bird to your mountain'? For behold, the wicked bend the bow...if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do? The Lord dwells in his holy temple, the Lord's throne is in heaven..."

Wednesday: reviewing psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty..."

Thursday/Today: I have alot of exams and studying to do...

2nd week of Lent: day 11

on Friday I was in the ballet dressing room for a concert trying to re-memorize psalm 13. All the round bulbs and mirrors made me disoriented and a stranger, as if I was in some sort of space-ship evading time and place. Anyway, on Sunday I finished re-memorizing it in the ESV, even though I did memorize this in the NIV when I was 7. (I remember my mom commenting on perhaps memorizing a more cheerful psalm? Of course I had already triumphantly picked this one out, as I had recognized its value as a psalm of more "deep" and "profound" thought. (My mother picked out psalm 121 for me to memorize.) Why do parents always think children as incapable of the vast, internal struggle of the soul?)
Compare NIV v2"wrestle with my thoughts" and 4v"foes rejoice when I fall" to the following:

Psalm 13.
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

entry: Lent day 4

wednesday 1: considered giving up over-sleeping, but decided this wouldn't be necessary with continuation of studies--giving up snack machines instead which I am addicted to as I don't pack lunch or eat out...
thursday2: considered giving up swearing, and then promptly broke all records for the year. Had to rehearse for some memorial out of my Christian charity (no pay) twice longer than usual during the school break. Endured a 40 minute short Calvinist sermon on the predestination of G-d for allowing evil to happen. Some friend brought us to the front row, and I didn't know how to exit gracefully. I was about an hour late for a neighborly responsibility for their pets, and was praying wall tiles. ("Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner" and "forgive me for my anger--give me love" prayers etc.)
fridayday3: swore less.
saturday4: pondering the essences of a Christian...still want to quit using any form of ejaculation or exclamation. To quote Laura Ingalls Wilder, an adult must never show surprise...

Music Lit, and interpretations on vegetation continued

It seems crazy that we musicians are always trying to preserve "the culture" and love all music--from every culture--yet get so bogged down realizing how ignorant our fellow Americans (or international students for that matter) are. It occurred to me that it is as if we musicians are always pruning a rose bush that is in danger of going extinct, yet we ourselves don't know how it got there, or how to plant it ourselves. But if we don't even acknowledge the ground--and claim all cultures were equally progressive--then we really can't help our little rose bush. Another analogy is refrigerating a ripened fruit from going bad--and yet we don't even know how it got there. So we practice several hours a day to continue the life of the plant, we teach our courses on how to appreciate music to ignorant college kids who never heard Gregorian chant save in multi-shooter video games...and we are not allowed to discover the source, because that would encourage chauvinism, and we are a diverse nation.
Of course it cheered me up a great deal that there was a source, a seed that could be sown.
If it is something we believe, then it cannot be just faith in anything, but a certain kind of faith...one being able to discover, to affect, to be affected, in time, and outside of it, eternally...

Music lit, Catholicism, and interpretations on vegetation

This conversation occurred with my professor after Music Lit class after he spent 30+ minutes exhausting to us that though Western music evolved from gregorian chant, the nature of the Catholic church prevented and stunted musical growth, while any music that came out of the church was obviously breaking these restrictions and rebelling against church orthodoxy. (and the glorious progress in music during the Renaissance was a result from church collapse and loss of faith from the bubonic plague.)
"Isn't it interesting that music is not diverse? That most of the music we have today is a result from Western Civilization? And we are not allowed to speak of it? Yet when we have vegetation from ground, we may speak of it as weeds or flowers, and argue that the vegetation came in spite of the ground, and that it is horrible and rocky, and argue that the vegetation "rebelled" in spite of the ground, yet we all must acknowledge that the ground was suitable for such vegetation.
Here and there we speak in different terms of the vegetation, whether it be flower or weed, or fruit--but we do not deny the ground. We may speak of the Protestant reformation as being a rebellion--or fruit of--Catholicism. But we do not deny the ground was suitable for it to sprout."