I was afraid

I was afraid, so I did not learn.
I did not learn, so I was afraid.
I might be wrong, so I did not wish to know.
What I loved might be gone, so I wished to hide.
What I believed might be false, so I cried.
Then I became false, became afraid, became alone.
And Then I heard a song within my heart echoed in the skies.

It was dark, so I did not know
whose figures, faces, feet walked beside
But I heard their voice--one song, arise.
And like the dawn it rose,
over the mountainside.

I cried and cried--because it was my own,
I had thought I was alone,
but was not, neither was it mine.
It echoed through the night,
and pierced my fright with peace,
and weak with might.
This air shook me--hair and bone,
because it carried something great--far greater
than I could ever have sung or known.

Now I walk above the lights far down beneath the path,
I can see where I can fall off,
yet do not.
Downwards I can see that warmth and fellowship of light
that comforts those who dwell inside with sight--
But I am not.
Stars are lights to me instead,
for though they give few light to go-
-it is enough, for now I know
path is here, and I must climb in spite of fear.
How the wind blows! How cold!
But my heart is warm, because my soul is free.

Guilt

One thing my research on Sarah Palin has been doing to me...making me feel guilty. The more I read and hear from others, about her and Todd's work ethic and drive (her 6am-midnight 7days a week shifts and Todd's fishing like 48-72hr shifts? ) I feel so spoiled and lazy...remembering my high-school past makes me feel even worse. Do other people feel the same way? Maybe that's why it's so hard to learn more about the Palins, because they make me feel bad. Well, I have to remember that they are not ordinary if they are champions of the Iron Dog & AGIA, yet they are...argh! I keep feeling embarrassed that I come from the sheltered lower-48, and East Coast, and the South, and everything possibly snobby and arrogant and mistaken...OK, so I need to deal with guilt.

1. Any guilt, self-loathing, self-hatred, or shame is SIN and a LIE. (OK, I know this doesn't look like help--but it will later)

2. Guilt is three-fold: emotion, reason, tradition (habit): guilt makes us feel bad, try to justify our actions, then continue the same bad habits.

3. Conquering guilt comes from God--peace (that passes understanding),truth (repentance), good habit (righteous living). (in any order)

To stop Guilt:

1. Invite the Peace that passes understanding (the Holy Spirit). Acknowledge that this creepy-cool, pseudo-catharsis of wanting to blame yourself, hate yourself, hurt yourself is wrong and a false relief. INSTEAD say "Jesus loves me" 10 times or 50x or whatever, inviting and trusting and focusing in the Truth and promise of these words, knowing that Jesus is present with you in this truth.(Jesus said he was the word.--this is independent from "context" of your life, religion or whatever.)

2. Pray for G-d's truth to illuminate your small errors--(not the big ones that stare at you in the face w painful consequence/aftermath). Focus on the small errors that surround bigger ones. These are usually assumptions we don't notice, "nice" and sympathizable desires or thoughts not the obvious (not like why did I drink so much, why didn't I study etc.) but often surrounding ones that deal with the pain and don't have directly immediate answers like "what were my thoughts right before when..." "why do I care so much of what others think of me?" "why am I afraid of failure?" "why do I feel bad for something that I don't think is wrong?"

--we can answer these questions analytically (family,religion, environment) and rationalize, but it doesn't go away because "wrong" has 3 relationships: when you think it's wrong, others think it's wrong, and it's wrong (or God thinks it's wrong). (Some people will be quick to think wrong is only when "God thinks it's wrong", but in my context "God thinks it's wrong" is applying to nature). Let me illustrate: Slapping my brother on his back can be a good or bad thing--yet this could be wrong for 3 reasons: if I meant it to be wrong, he took it to be wrong, or maybe it "was wrong" because his back got hurt. God, being a trinity, is connected to all 3--not just if "if it's naturally wrong" like my brother's back getting hurt. Wrong has all consequences just as guilt may be our intention, others intention, or nobody's intention.

3. Pray for healing and conviction and power.

--God is the Beginning and the End. He doesn't panic, cause fear, or despair. He can transform your past by entering into your life. Often we mistakenly think our past "is over" when it obviously affects and stays with us in the present--because we are also eternal beings. God can come into our past too, when we invite His presence, Truth, and peace.

--God can change us now. If you have niggling doubts or queasiness--it's because you don't have the conviction to change. None of us do. Pray for conviction of the Holy Spirit to enter your life--He will, and He alone has the power to change us. Remember what you can do on your own, God can't help you with. Only when it is IMPOSSIBLE for man, is it possible for God--this is God's power: that His grace is sufficient for you, for His power is made perfect in weakness. Amen.

Yom Kippur

2"Blessed is the man who does this,
and the son of man who holds it fast,
who keeps the Sabbath, not profaning it,
and keeps his hand from doing any evil.

3 Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely separate me from his people";
and let not the eunuch say,
"Behold, I am a dry tree."


4 For thus says the LORD:
"To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast to my covenant,
5 I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

6 "And the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD,
to minister to him, to love the name of the LORD,
and to be his servants,
everyone who keeps the Sabbath and does not profane it,
and holds fast my covenant--

7 these I will bring to my holy mountain,
and make them joyful in my house of prayer;
their burnt offerings and their sacrifices
will be accepted on my altar;
for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples."

8 The Lord GOD, who gathers the outcasts of Israel, declares,
"I will gather yet others to him besides those already gathered."

amen. --Isaiah 56

Undefeated

For any of you brave souls who are curious enough to risk the fear of disappointment...watch this movie. I think you'll be surprised how dry and candid it is, as well as intriguing? It's oddly cathartic, if you just want to get the poison of the media out of your system.

It's power is in its simplicity. It's not a pity party or dramatic hagiography.

Instead, it gets pretty nerdy focusing half the movie on why Alaska is important, how Palin got to the governorship and what she did, how she started out as a mayor, when she resigned her six-figure-salary as an ethics commissioner because of her ethics, how she surprised people with actual results and then America by showing up in 2008.

The power of the documentary is that while extrinsically focused around Palin--is intrinsically not about Sarah Palin. The film doesn't even seem to focus on her personal achievements enough and get the audience more drawn in when it could, but focuses on her beliefs in God and America, and the role of the government--shared similarly by many in the tea-party movement--and her actions in carrying that out.

If it was supposed to make you vote, it didn't really hype on possible terrorist threats, wars, or abortion--things I think Obama is weak on and Palin is strong in--and very emotionally topics that could rouse voters. I was surprised how little they talked about Obama (like less than 2 minutes? of actual speeches) which seem to convince me that others could do a much better job than him. What the film did was focus on a cause that is greater than Palin, the Tea-Party movement or America. It's about Faith. Palin's very persecution from the mobs of media and hollywood from just about every vocal or artistic profession--she shows us how, we too, can and will be treated if we take a stand for just a little bit of truth, righteousness, and faith in God.(scary) Yet this small person's courage shows us a greater power when we fight for a greater cause. Now that's why liberals are scared of her. Obama and Palin have shown us that we can become self-proclaimed messiahs, or modern-day-martyrs. Persecution in this world, and in this time, shows us that we are on the right path. Let us choose to lose our lives, that we may gain it--for only then are we the "undefeated."

Sh'ma Yisrael! God bless America.