Choose your destiny of Hope

You hem me in behind and before
and lay your hand upon me. (psalm 139:5)

When I did not give my mind to God, I seemed to suffer from both thinking I could turn Holiness on and off like a switch when I pleased as well as fearing that I was not chosen else I would not be trapped by myself or my desire to sin.
St. Paul says "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." (Romans 7:15)
I, believing in the Holy Trinity, thought: if I am chosen I will desire God, if I desire God than I am chosen. If I knew God then I would desire Him, and if I desired God then I would know Him. Faith and Love are connected. But what if I am not in that circle of grace? Then Hope. Did I desire to desire? Then if I asked God to desire Him, I had chosen Him. What is this that is neither love nor knowledge? This willingness? It is the Hope that the Holy Spirit gives.
The fear of not being Predestined was calmed for me only when I realized that I and Everything really do belong to Him, and that only when I believed a lie--that I could choose to be like God and choose my way(bad free will)--did I realize that only those who want to be their own God really become it--and reject the Sovereignty of God, and the grace of God.
We all belong to God, to give Him our mind and bodies, but we are trapped in the lies of the devil--that we belong to ourselves. Free will and Predestination are only at odds with each other when there is sin, which is slavery and a lie. How can you be both a slave and be lying? No, there is an anti-trinity of fatalism&the lie of "choice"&sin, and the Holy Trinity of Faith, Hope, and Love.
Free will is not free if it is not God's will. Predestination is not God's will if it is sin.
Why this paradox? Because we have false knowledge, false desire, and false flesh.
Only when we recognize that we are caught by God, that we are His children--do we realize that we can rest in choosing Him. Not "I'll choose godliness later, after..." or "I chose You before--I can get You back" but "God chose me at Baptism, Christ will take me to heaven--I am His, and therefore I must please the Holy Spirit, who is my comforter and helper."

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
it is high; I cannot attain it.(psalm 139:6)

The Freudian slip (and why we should pray)

Even before a word is on my tongue,
Behold O Lord, you know it altogether. (139:4, ESV)

Words are complex things

I think this psalmist knew about the "Freudian slip" before Freud. What we intend to say--or think we intend to say--is not always what comes out to others. As Freud pointed out, what we think we want to say is not always as true as what you say.

1.what we intend to say (our reason) 2.what other people think we are saying (truth or filter) 3.What we are really saying. Once you say something you bounce off someone else's reaction, and think "Was that what I meant to say?" and "Why are my words making me look bad?" Or "Did I just say what the other person wanted to hear?" or "Why did I reveal so much bitterness and anger?" Ahh...talking to other people can get really messy. I have spent many nights awake saying "NOOO..." and rethinking, "Is this my fault or theirs?"....And sometimes--though rarely discovered--it is neither persons' or all because it is G-d's. For those who are not Presbyterian, let me explain.

Freud's Uncontrolled Data

There are uncontrolled data thrown in our mess of talking (a.k.a. G-d). This is generally credited when you gave a really amazing testimony you didn't intend or said something so beautiful that you wanted to write it down.
We know things must work opposite too, like when you were trying to prepare an important testimony, have Bible study, a prayer session, or non-Christian friend you are trying to witness to and you lose your temper or something and say the "wrong things." OK so the devil works against us through our own weaknesses (or bizarre disastrous events) or against us through other people who "think we said blah" when we didn't. (unfortunately many liberals are subject to hearing things that nobody said but implied. e.g. what you said: "but doing blahblah is not a good thing" what they hear: "You said G-d hates blah and that you want to kill blah!" ?)
Then there are those times the Freudian slip didn't make sense, and you wanted to blame the devil, like when you wanted something so bad and something happened through your incredible mouth that seemed to "ruin" your incredible plans? Like when you were trying to impress someone (a career, possible love-interest, possible friendship etc.) and you said something you normally didn't say--something that later worked for the better? AHA, G-d can interfere with even our own words sometimes to our present dismay but always to our later joy.

Yes, it's me and them and G-d, and G-d assures us that He knows all these factors.
Which leads us to ask if G-d knows everything, why pray?

Need we pray?
How come G-d knows what we want even before we ask Him--but He desires that we speak?

If you think that is odd think about this:

1. In the garden of Eden G-d breathed into Adam and then gave him an order to name all the creatures, BUT G-d already spoke the creatures into existence AND G-d speaks to Adam apparently every day. Does G-d speak the same language (or does this even matter?) to Adam, and if so, why does He command that Adam name the creatures when G-d already did?

2. In the New Testament, Jesus even tells this to disciples to pray right after he says that G-d already knows it:
“And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. Pray then like this: Our Father..." (Matt6:7-9)

3. Finally, Jesus who is God (And says he is God), prays regularly notably in His last hours "Not my will but Yours be done" and sweats drops of blood in anguish over what He knows He has to do, He knows will be done, and knows that He will conquer death victoriously just as He told His disciples on numerous occasions.

And many more... Abraham argues with G-d over the destruction of Sodom (and kind loses but wins his request), Moses argues, Sarah scoffs, Hannah weeps, Mary questions, Zechariah denies, Jacob wrestles!, and so on.

Conclusion
G-d likes to talk, wants us to talk to Him, and likes to argue (if not, He'd let us win every time!) So pray. Amen.

You hem me in behind and before
and lay your hand upon me.
(ps 139:5)

Holy thoughts and dreams: psalm 139

You have searched out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways. --psalm 139 v3

--This applies to traveling in body as well as in mind. It is often in long travels that we think about many things, and before we go to sleep that we ponder deeply.

Unclean thoughts and fear
--Often we do not recognize that our thoughts are not ours, but belong to unclean (gross, nasty) spirits that tempt us by lust, fear, or loathing. We must recognize this and invite the Holy Spirit by asking Him to dwell in us, and correct us. When we are afraid, or tempted, say "Holy Spirit I trust in you" and dwell on His peace--this helped my sibling overcome panic attacks.

Bad dreams
--Our mind is always in danger even in dreams. The power of prayer is necessary and effective even in the subconscious. Often in horrible nightmares, I remembered to pray for help, and felt the presence of G-d take away my fear. It seems that the more I needed help, the easier it was for me to pray. Of course I have not had as many nightmares since I was a child, but that's not necessarily a good thing. Evil was more clear antagonistic but I felt God's presence and peace very strongly as well.

I awake and still am with you. (v 18b)
On waking up
--Practice prayer often, before you sleep and after you wake and recite scripture. My favorite is "Bless the Lord O my Soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name." If you say this often enough, it becomes second nature. I generally hate waking up early because I feel like the world is ending, but when I say this it gives me strength. Also I say this after waking up from a particularly nasty or unclean dream.

On dream analysis
--I think it is important to analyze curious dreams, especially ones that seem to reveal something, usually a feeling or opinion, that we could not put in words when we were awake. "Sleeping on a problem" often clears the confusion of the day, and apparently a number of Mathematicians or Scientists made discoveries through their dreams. This happens often to me that symbols replace actual events, or people, and I usually chuckle when I see a feeling or idea materialize in my subconscious that I suppressed.

--Of course a caution comes with this as well: Often dreams feel more important than they really are, and any "feeling" that is particularly captivating or more interesting than holiness is false. Not every spirit is particularly evil, or even unclean, but if it is not from God, it is NEVER necessary or beneficial. I unfortunately have learned this the hard way, trying to chase "feelings" from my dreams or to keep on dreaming, only to discover that drug-like induced effects are NOT worth your time.
(Now understand that I do believe some of these feelings could be possibly good, but if they are God's, then we must let Him show us these things in His own time, never possessing us nor should these feelings be in our possession.)

If I say surely the darkness shall cover me
and the light about me be night
even the darkness is not dark to you
the night is as bright as the day
for the darkness is as light with you. --(v 11-12)

On imagination and carnality
To be able to be free from impure thoughts can only be obtained through giving your heart and mind to Christ. Our choice to imagine or create stories or movies in our heads is very susceptible to our fleshly desires as well as the spiritual. In fact, they are totally connected. A few years ago I attended the stations of the cross on Good Friday at our local Catholic Church and I was struck by St. Alfonso Liguori's words: "I love you Jesus, my love, I love you more than myself... Give me enough strength to overcome all human respect and all my evil passions which have led me to despise your friendship...Never allow me to offend you again." If you ask Jesus for help, He will give you enough strength to overcome. I am amazed how much the Holy Trinity has helped me in the past 3 years through the way, the truth, and the life. Obedience, Love, and the Knowledge of God work together. Be open to God about your troubles and temptations.

to overcome sin
--I memorized Psalms--focus on something more sacred than yourself.
--I Bible-flip regularly--I found it best to think about something I felt uncomfortable about, needed help in, or a even picked a "topic" in my mind before flipping. The rule I keep is that I always write down the verse in my book, underline the verse in my Bible with pencil, and Stopped flipping(this is a difficult rule to keep). If the verse was hard to take, understand that truth is trinitarian--it need not always be what you need, sometimes you get a little history--but search the context or lack of context for some truth and meaning.
--keep a diary to write prayers, thoughts, temptations, and angst. I couldn't believe how much easier it was to overcome problems by acknowledging that they were there.

Remember: The Holy Spirit is our friend and helper, Jesus was a teenager and is very acquainted with our struggles and temptations, we and all creation belong to God the father who has thousands of beautiful thoughts waiting to be discovered...
As it is written:
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast the sum of them!
If I would count them, they would outnumber the sand. (v18)

Trinity teaches us Holy fear (beta version)

"O Lord you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit and when I rise
You discern my thoughts from afar."
--psalm 139

+The time in between sitting and rising is when we think much alone, speak much to others, when we eat, when we are transported in travel, use the toilet, study, read, play an instrument, or work at a desk job. This most of the modern person's life--especially the thought life. This is very important to G-d, and how we serve Him.

+G-d is eternal and already has known us--when we shall die and where we shall go. We may become afraid at this, fearing hell, but this is only from one view of the trinity, and we interact with all three persons of Faith, Hope, and Love.
(or you can say that we only interact with the Spirit, and are seeing the Father's wrath, but are saved by the Son.)

Whichever way you apply the trinity, be aware that at least you see a good&bad description from one viewpoint, because that is its relations to the other two. You do not want a duality (anger-bad, happy-good) because G-d is not like this. To illustrate my point of a good contradiction,
1.We should never be afraid G-d will hate us when we are lost because we don't know G-d; 2.only when we "know better" should we be afraid of "God's wrath", because we know His love so well that we know it is not something to lose.
But... 1. if we are lost we should be fearful 2. if we are found we need not be. hmm.
OK so should we be afraid of G-d or not?
+ and how can you fear G-d if you don't know Him or His power?
+ and how can you know G-d unless you fear Him?
From a devil's advocate perspective, God can only "hate" those He loves; the wicked are like chaff and shadow with no substance, so shouldn't we desire his wrath and jealousy, so that we know we exist? (many women test their husband's love by trying to arouse his jealousy) So anyway, as you can see, I am running into contradictions already--which is good, because contradictions are a problem in dualities NOT in trinities. (no, I do not embrace all contradictions as being true; first let me tell you about the three-legged stool analogy)

+ first of all, what is a trinity? Three-legged stool analogy
I learned in an Episcopal church catechism class about a "three-legged stool" being similar to applying the trinity in the Church--each leg is unique yet dependent to function. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is similar to Tradition (father), Reason (son), Emotion (spirit) used to hold up the Church by Liturgy (tradition), Scripture (reason), Songs&prayer (emotion). However they need not be in that order--relationship is KEY. (I'll explain more later--problem with trinities is that they INVOLVE the reader, so you have to kind of "jump in" rather than go step-by-step)

Holy Fear (past, present, and future)
+If G-d is eternal, than when we embrace Him, we embrace completion of heaven and rebirth without fear (when we are wrongly afraid) because it is wrong to fear G-d's judgment when it keeps us from Him and not repentance. The fear that leads to repentance is right, but sometimes we have false fear which keeps us from embracing and trusting G-d's full personhood (trinity).
+When we are fearful of G-d but not drawn to Him, then we must repent of this unholy fear, and false fear.
1. ask for grace (spirit)
2.choose to love (son)
3.believe in His Truth (father)[in this case the father and son seem interchangeable to me]
+Embrace the Holy Fear by completing your relationship to the Holy Trinity: Faith, Hope, and Love--these three abide.
1. If you know God than you will love Him. --ask for knowledge.
2. If you love God than you will obey Him. --ask for love.
3. In asking you have obeyed.
Now switch around any of those. Obey, Know, Love. You can obey first, know first, love first--they all lead to each other. Now you are involved in repentance. Now you are involved in knowing that you chose G-d, that G-d has chosen you, and that in being drawn to G-d, He is being drawn to you and vice versa.

Flee from evil! Refuse guilt--accept repentance!
+Often we have unholy fear when we sin, and keep much guilt because we do not turn to Him, but when we obey we are not so afraid because we embrace His loving arms around us.